ESM: Giving Externally Oriented—Passive

ESMs are steadfast helpers who typically put the needs of others ahead of their own. They are reliable, nurturing, devoted, and able to endure great pain, especially if it benefits those they love. ESMs are often the glue that holds relationships together, even if no one can see it. When in tune (in a healthy, low-stress state), this type can feel grounded in self and able to express their own needs while also caring for and supporting the needs of others. When dissonant (in an unhealthy, out-of-balanced state), they may feel overloaded by the weight of the world and have difficulty identifying their own personal needs.

Adjectives Describing the ESM Type

In Tune (healthy, balanced state): Accepting, caring, optimistic, generous, nurturing, caregiving, adaptable, open-minded, reliable, responsible, devoted, loving, steadfast, grounded, steady

Dissonant (unhealthy, out-of-balanced state): Conflict-avoidant, indecisive, resentful, low self-worth, passive-aggressive

Principle Characteristics

In Tune: When in tune, ESMs can tune into other people’s feelings and needs as well as their own. They can highlight their own needs in relationships and stand up for themselves when their boundaries are violated. In-tune ESMs can connect with their inner experience (thoughts and sensations) and communicate their experience to others. ESMs are naturally gifted peacemakers. In-tune ESMs can make peace without habitually sacrificing their own wants and needs. ESMs are seen by others as emotionally strong, but oftentimes they also appear physically strong with a body type that looks sturdy and able to carry the weight of the world.

Dissonant: When dissonant, ESMs always put the needs of others first. They often feel obligated, stuck, and unable to change. This may manifest in their lives as making plans and not following through with them, especially if their plans conflict with those around them. Dissonant ESMs often feel excessive guilt, self-blame, and self-doubt. They are prone to depression and quick to take on the role of the victim. ESMs are naturally good at cutting off from their internal experience to endure pain and support others who are in pain. They are over-accommodating and unable to connect with internal cues that tell them someone is violating their boundaries.

Communication Style

ESMs may express themselves verbally in a variety of ways. Some may be very gifted speakers, while others may be people of few words. How they express themselves verbally is likely due to how they learned to meet the needs of caregivers early in life. For example, if they found it beneficial in childhood to use their words to encourage and support their caregivers, they will likely be bubbly and talkative in present-day relationships. The common thread among ESMs, however, is an indirect communication style. ESMs typically resort to passive-aggressive, overly-kind, or “yes, but” styles of communication that avoid expressing personal needs directly. Such a communication style makes it incredibly hard for ESMs to say no, especially to those they love.

Boundaries

ESMs are less developed internally. Therefore, they often struggle more than other types to identify the mental and bodily clues that tell them when someone crosses their boundaries. ESMs differ from EMSs in that they rarely cross other people’s boundaries. In fact, they may resist expressing their own needs out of fear that it might hurt someone else. It is not uncommon for ESMs to find themselves in undesirable or risky situations. Their external focus causes them to miss their system’s internal warning signs and only notice them once it’s too late.