ESM: Giving Externally Oriented

Individuals expressing an ESM style are steadfast helpers who typically put the needs of others ahead of their own. They are reliable, nurturing, devoted, and able to endure great pain, especially if it benefits those they love. They are often the glue that holds relationships together, even if no one can see it. When in tune (in a healthy, low-stress state), this style can feel grounded in self and able to express their own needs while also caring for and supporting the needs of others. When dissonant (in an unhealthy, out-of-balance state), they may feel overloaded by the weight of the world and have difficulty identifying their own personal needs.

Principle Characteristics

When in tune (in a healthy, low-stress state), these individuals are often accepting, caring, optimistic, generous, nurturing, caregiving, adaptable, peace-making, reliable, responsible, devoted, and loving. When dissonant (in an unhealthy, out-of-balance state), they are conflict-avoidant, indecisive, resentful, obligated, self-blaming, self-doubting, and over-accommodating.

Communication Style

Individuals with an ESM style may express themselves verbally in a variety of ways. Some may be very gifted speakers, while others may be people of few words. How they express themselves verbally is likely due to how they learned to meet the needs of caregivers early in life. For example, if they found it beneficial in childhood to use their words to encourage and support their caregivers, they will likely be bubbly and talkative in present-day relationships. The common thread among the ESM style, however, is an indirect communication style. They typically resort to passive-aggressive, overly-kind, or "yes, but" styles of communication that avoid expressing personal needs directly. Such a communication style makes it incredibly hard for them to say no, especially to those they love.

Boundaries

Those who frequently express ESM are less developed internally. Therefore, they often struggle more than other styles to identify the mental and bodily clues that tell them when someone crosses their boundaries. ESM differs from EMS in that it rarely leads people to cross others' boundaries. In fact, people with the ESM style may resist expressing their own needs out of fear that it might hurt someone else. It is not uncommon for them to find themselves in undesirable or risky situations. Their external focus causes them to miss their system's internal warning signs and only notice them once it's too late.

How Constructed Awareness Benefits the ESM Style

Constructed Awareness (CA) can support individuals with an ESM orientation by fostering greater awareness of their mental and sensation building blocks. Those with an ESM style often prioritize helping others and may struggle to recognize their own needs. CA helps them become more attuned to the mental and physical signals that indicate when they are out of balance or neglecting themselves. By incorporating awareness of thoughts and sensations into their experience, ESM individuals can learn to better self-regulate, establish healthier boundaries, and still nurture others while maintaining their own well-being.